Banker, Booze, IRS

'The bank examiners are coming in a few days.' ~Walter Niles, Banker

'What do you want me to do about it?' ~The Princess

'May I come in?' ~IRS Agent

Time flies when you're having fun and having fun with a drinking problem is really hard to come by. It's 1972 and I was reaching the pinnacle of my being a fucking falling down drunk. I'm in L.A. calling on Jewish big shots in the movie and entertainment business. MCA (now long gone) executives were my target. A roaring, depressing bear market was in full force and most of the executives had borrowed money against their stock. The loans were underwater and the offices were like a fucking tomb. The place seemed to be loaded with walking dead. No laughs in that grave yard.

There I was on my fruitless mission of trying to raise money to drill for oil in Israel. Turned out to be just like pissing into the wind except that it was money that I was really pissing away.

I had just spent a fruitless day trying to promote those very rich and once very rich Jews. They had a standard answer. Those with money said that they would contribute money to Israel but not invest money in a wildcat drilling scheme in Israel. They seemed to have figured out, correctly as it turned out, that Moses made a bum decision when he turned left instead of right, leaving the oil and gas for the Arabs. The former rich guys basically told me to fuck off.

So I went back to the Century Plaza and did what every decent, depressed, addicted drunk would do. I went to the bar for a few belts, not that I ever had just a few. A really good looking, well put together young woman sat down next to me and promptly asked me if I would like a 'trick'. Without missing a beat, I responded with "Listen Sweetie, if Gina Lollobrigida got on top of me naked, I'd probably piss." She self ejected out of the bar stool like she was shot out of a fucking cannon.

Gina Lollobrigida

The combination of a big time drinking problem, drilling fund turn downs, a horrendous bear market and being busted on my ass with a wife, four kids and a dog to worry about made life unbearably depressing. But giving up was not my shtick.

The next morning as I was preparing to check out of the hotel, the phone rang. It was Walter Niles of the Commonwealth Bank, my major creditor. Walter had loaned me a bunch of money with an illiquid stock as collateral. I had allowed Bert Ladd, in all his wisdom, to pay me in stock that I couldn't sell. It was what we called ' investment letter stock' and non transferable. Not too fucking smart of me to accept it and even dumber of Walter to loan against it.

"The bank examiners are coming by in a few days and I need you to do something about your loan."

"Walter, I'm busted on my ass. What the hell do you want me to do?" Walter went nuts and started screaming at me that, I was jeopardizing his job and that I had to pay that fucking loan off or substantially reduce it.

Being wrong and out of patience I screamed back at him, “Walter, I'm on the 9th floor of the fucking Century Plaza Hotel. I'm going to hang up this fucking phone, open the window and jump out of it." then slammed the phone down.

For old fashioned Jews like me, threatening suicide was the perfect weapon to generate guilt in someone else.

Turned out that Walter panicked, called the Princess and told her that I was threatening suicide. The Princess responded with, “What do you want me to do about it?" and hung up. Probably couldn't wait for it to happen.

I did ultimately (The operative word.) pay that loan off, one hundred cents on the dollar, plus the accumulated interest. Gotta try to die square with the world.

And in 1986 I was having a big problem with everyone's favorite bureaucracy, the Internal Revenue Service. My doorbell rings, I open the door and there stands a guy who announces that he's an IRS agent and asks if he can 'come in'. I say "Absolutely not.”, and slam the door shut. Dealing with the IRS is one of life's most distasteful experiences. Problem solving and ending a case is not what the IRS is all about. The agents are primarily in the job preservation business.