Easy Come, Easy Go

'Blow it out your barrack's bag.' was the Army substitute for, 'drop dead', 'you're full of shit' or just plain, ordinary 'fuck you'. 

 

The Army had, in common with today's geeks and nerds, its own language and phrases. In the Army there was an element of in your face honesty that is pretty well hidden in civilian society.

The path to a medical education is to live a long time. I get to have doctors explain the kvetches that come with living longer than planned. And while it ain't peaches and cream it is often laughable.

The first bike crash that landed my sorry ass in the Stanford Hospital ICU  for a week put me on the road to becoming a borderline hypochondriac and getting a PhD in Heart Problems. Google became my lord and master.

Being in an ICU of a teaching hospital like Stanford means having a bunch of fresh faced interns scaring the hell out of me every time one of those self anointed geniuses stopped by to check on me.

Having bounced off the bottom several times, optimism and resilience are in my DNA. But those doctors wired me for sound.

This one doctor hammered me daily with my having 'aortic stenosis'. Since I didn't have my iPad to google 'aortic stenosis ' and cater to my budding hypochondria I was fucked until I finally asked him what the hell aortic stenosis is.

Pretty simple: Aortic stenosis is when the opening in the aortic valve which feeds blood to the heart has closed significantly, forcing my heart to alway be in over drive. Bye, bye stamina. Not enough blood to my schlong and hard earned blood to my heart.

Then after my stay at Stanford and one more bike crash (At 88, I was still macho-pacho and still the same at 91 3/4) a terrific VA/Stanford cardiologist, Dr Patricia Nguyen, told me that I needed an aortic valve replacement if I wanted to continue to fuck the actuarial tables of the Social Security system and keep getting my VA disability benefits for any meaningful period of time.

As a schmuck who thinks that he can beat any physical problem with fitness I turned Dr. Nguyen down for several years. But now, having the energy and stamina  of a wet noodle, I have decided to go to the TAVR procedure where they insert a catheter into your groin with a ballon containing a new aortic valve and push that sneaky, slippery, little mother up to and into your heart.

Using some kind of hocus pocus or black magic the healthy valve replaces the el sicko valve with a healthy valve. At the end of the day TAVR (Transcather Aorta Valve Replacement)is a great substitute for open heart surgery. 

God bless Dr. Nguyen, her TAVR running mate Judy Baer and the rest of the VA Palo Alto Health Care System's great people.

Actually, I want to die in an airport or on an airplane, preferably the Concorde. Reminds me of another Army expression, 'I hope you die with a hard on.'...The ultimate curse.

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