My best friend, when I was around 13, was Jimmy McNiece. He went to Mt. Saint Michael, a Catholic school in the Bronx, with Priests, Nuns, the whole kit and caboodle.
Thursday nights Jimmy and I would ride our bikes to the school. I would wait while Jimmy went in to say confession and then we'd ride home.
I once asked Jimmy what he had done each week that compelled him to go to confession every week. He told me that he had to confess to the Priest what he had done all week and his thoughts as well. I decided, then and there, that being a Jew living with my unspoken guilt was better than being an Irish Catholic living with the guilt and having to confess my thoughts. Particularly, since I was only 13 and had just discovered the joy of jackin' off.
The thought of having to tell the Priest that I had become addicted to jackin' off made little sense to me. I was already checking the palm of my hand several times a day to see if I had hair growing there. Going blind was also a major concern but not major enough to make me stop. I loved it too much to tell anyone about it especially someone who might tell me to stop. It was my secret. Now at 90 I can only deal in memories.
What really amazes me is how much my schlong has shrunk from its 'original' size. I now spend almost as much time trying to find the little son of a bitch as I do to take a whiz. And it was never giant size. In the Army I always envied those guys with the big schlongs. I felt that God was punishing me for jackin' off so much. I had grown from 5'6" to 6'1/2" from the time that I was thirteen to when I was sixteen but my schlong had not grown with the rest of me. Just as it has died before the rest of me.
Thinking of Jimmy McNiece reminds me that I've always believed that the Irish and the Jews had 'a thing' for one another with mixed marriages. While the Irish guys seemed to really enjoy beating the shit out of Jewish guys we often ended up friends. Irish Catholic women often married Jews. Irish guys were mostly too fucking smart to marry a Jewish Princess.
But I had a Mormon dentist, Keith Anderson, who was determined to convert me into becoming a Mormon. Great guy but while I was stretched out, mouth open, he would tell me of the affinity of Mormons and Jews. I kept telling him, when he took the drill out of my mouth, that I was born a Jew and I was going to die a Jew. He wouldn't stop so I stopped seeing him. And yeah at 90 I'm still a Jew but with full dentures.
Veggies and sex. A Mediterranean diet to help with a sex life. Not mine but perhaps yours. The link below explains how veggies can help your sex life. Not veggies nor Viagra or even praying can bring my dead schlong back to life. It is now just a leaky faucet.
Sometimes-asparagus-is-more-than-asparagus?
1 comment:
Too funny Bernie!
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